I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
