i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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