There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
