And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
