He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
