Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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