you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
