Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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