I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
