I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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