just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
