Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
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don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
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After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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