The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
