someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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