I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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