"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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