I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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