Got a toothbrush?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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