he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
