Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
