Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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