I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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