new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
