Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
