I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
