I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
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