im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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