Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
