Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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