The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
