i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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