this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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