We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
