great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
