At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
