In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
