i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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