I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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