Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
