oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
