You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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