I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
