I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
