i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I got inside last night via doggy door
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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