So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
