toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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