Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm like, not good at living.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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