Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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