Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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