I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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