Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
