currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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