you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Someone came in the potted fern
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
