it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
