My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You are the jesus of drinking
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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