just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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