your parents love me but you hate me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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