I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
