In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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