guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
